2004’s adaptation of Around the World in Eighty Days is rather a departure from the book. I assume. I’ve never read the book. Prior to watching this film, my only acquaintance with the tale was the 1980s cartoon Around the World with Willy Fogg, which was very different. Although I don’t think Jules Verne ever meant Phileas Fogg to be a talking lion so there is a chance that the cartoon was not entirely faithful to the source material either. Nonetheless, it’s pre
2004’s adaptation of Around the World in Eighty Days is rather a departure from the book. I assume. I’ve never read the book. Prior to watching this film, my only acquaintance with the tale was the 1980s cartoon Around the World with Willy Fogg, which was very different. Although I don’t think Jules Verne ever meant Phileas Fogg to be a talking lion so there is a chance that the cartoon was not entirely faithful to the source material either. Nonetheless, it’s pretty clear that the 2004 movie did take some liberties because I can’t imagine that there were quite so many martial arts sequences in the novel. Or indeed any.
Departures from the source material are perfectly fine in adaptations as long as those changes improve the adaptation. But really the movie is a bit of a mess from start to finish. There are certainly enjoyable moments but no coherent narrative to speak of. It’s always fun to watch Jackie Chan do his stuff, Steve Coogan and Cecile de France are perfectly charming and there are some amusing cameos along the way but the end result is a great deal less than the sum of its parts.
Score for Christmasishness
Had the adaptation been a little more faithful to the source material, the adventure would have concluded on the 21st December, which would make it pretty Christmassy in my book. But as there is no fidelity to the novel, it may well not be December at the end of the movie. It certainly doesn’t look like it is. But no dates are explicitly mentioned on screen so it’s reasonable to draw one’s own conclusions. And given that the novel does end on the 21st December, I’m happy to conclude that the movie does too. Even if it probably doesn’t.
2021’s The Tomorrow War was denied a cinematic release due to the Covid 19 pandemic, which is a shame because it really is the kind of movie that was made for the big screen. Not that it’s especially good, because it isn’t, but it does have lots of explosions and action and stuff, which would probably make for an entertaining, if ultimately forgettable, evening, which is often all I want from my local multiplex. As it was, it launched, rather unceremoniously onto a
2021’s The Tomorrow War was denied a cinematic release due to the Covid 19 pandemic, which is a shame because it really is the kind of movie that was made for the big screen. Not that it’s especially good, because it isn’t, but it does have lots of explosions and action and stuff, which would probably make for an entertaining, if ultimately forgettable, evening, which is often all I want from my local multiplex. As it was, it launched, rather unceremoniously onto a streaming platform, and, while I can still appreciate the merits of a mindless time-travel flic that often falls foul of its own internal logic, any opportunity it ever had to wow anyone was probably lost as a result.
Not that I, in any way, hated The Tomorrow War. It’s absolutely fine if you can ignore the glaring plot holes throughout. I’m not sure it’s worth multiple viewings though.
Score for Christmasishness
One reason why I might return to this movie is that quite a lot of it is visibly set at Christmas time. Not the bit set in the future with the scary monsters, but the bit that is set in the ‘present’ (which actually would be the past at the time of writing but was the ‘near future’ at the time the movie was made) it is clearly Christmas. So The Tomorrow War might well be deserving of a place on someone’s festive viewing schedule, presuming that person quite likes derivative (and implausible) science-fiction that takes itself a bit too seriously.
Having included The Expendables 2 in last year’s Christmas countdown, I felt it only right to revisit the original movie for this year’s efforts. As someone who has always enjoyed a 90s action movie, even those of dubious quality, I was pretty excited about seeing this first instalment of Stallone’s homage to the genre. And, with my brain suitably switched to the setting I reserve for ‘mindless action and paper-thin plots’ I was not disappointed.
The Expe
Having included The Expendables 2in last year’s Christmas countdown, I felt it only right to revisit the original movie for this year’s efforts. As someone who has always enjoyed a 90s action movie, even those of dubious quality, I was pretty excited about seeing this first instalment of Stallone’s homage to the genre. And, with my brain suitably switched to the setting I reserve for ‘mindless action and paper-thin plots’ I was not disappointed.
The Expendables is not something I could comfortably define as a ‘good film. But it absolutely satisfies the occasional craving that I have for big stupid fun.
Score for Christmasishness
As with last year’s inclusion of the sequel, The Expendables’ Christmas(ish) credentials hinge on the fact that Statham’s character is called Lee Christmas. But whereas the sequel has a picture of Santa Claus painted on an aeroplane, there is no such festive imagery in this one. So it really isn’t very Christmassy at all. But one of the main characters is still called Lee Christmas, which I could hardly ignore.
I didn’t hate 2005’s The Family Stone but I’m not sure I really liked it all that much either. It mostly seems to be about a people who are quite hard to like, not being liked by other people who are also hard to like. They mostly do seem to end up liking each other in the end, but, despite the more than decent cast, I still found it hard to like any of them.
It’s not entirely without merit, there are some genuinely funny moments and some parts which might we
I didn’t hate 2005’s The Family Stone but I’m not sure I really liked it all that much either. It mostly seems to be about a people who are quite hard to like, not being liked by other people who are also hard to like. They mostly do seem to end up liking each other in the end, but, despite the more than decent cast, I still found it hard to like any of them.
It’s not entirely without merit, there are some genuinely funny moments and some parts which might well have been quite moving if I had been able to get past my general ambivalence to the titular family.
Ultimately though, it’s a comedy-drama that doesn’t seem to work especially well as a comedy or as a drama.
Score for Christmasishness
This might be one that deserves to be regarded as an actual Christmas film, rather than just Chistmas(ish). It is entirely centred around a family getting together for Christmas and there isn’t any part of the film that isn’t set over Christmas. However, if there is a discernible difference between a Christmas movie and a movie which just happens to be set at Christmas, then The Family Stone does, to my mind, fall into the latter category. It’s probably splitting hairs, but I have to justify this pointless annual endeavour somehow.
While my efforts to catalogue every movie with even the most tenuous links to Christmas in the form of an annual Advent calendar might seem a tad pointless, I am occasionally rewarded for my endeavours. For were it not for this yearly exercise in futility I would not have chanced upon a film called Happy New Year Colin Burstead. But I’m glad I did. Because it’s really good.
Loosely based on Shakespeare’s Coriolanus, it plays out as a modern-day dysfunctional family d
While my efforts to catalogue every movie with even the most tenuous links to Christmas in the form of an annual Advent calendar might seem a tad pointless, I am occasionally rewarded for my endeavours. For were it not for this yearly exercise in futility I would not have chanced upon a film called Happy New Year Colin Burstead. But I’m glad I did. Because it’s really good.
Loosely based on Shakespeare’s Coriolanus, it plays out as a modern-day dysfunctional family drama, interspersed with some genuinely laugh-out loud moments.
Score for Christmasishness
I suppose the clue is in the title. New Year’s Eve counts as part of Christmas right? There are certainly plenty of Christmas decorations in sight and the dysfunctional family gathering is a staple of many a Christmas movie. Indeed, the film would work pretty well had the action been set on Christmas day, although there are elements of a New Year celebration, specifically the build-up to midnight, which probably make more sense for this particular narrative. It’s far from a typical festive film, but it’s one I intend to revisit in Christmases future.
2006’s Starter For Ten is a relatively undemanding coming-of-age comedy that is as quintessentially British as they come. It’s not massively original and a little too content to indulge in clichés throughout. Also, the cast playing the supposedly first-year university students are all, quite evidently, in their mid-twenties.
However, the notion of basing the plot around the long-running TV show, University Challenge, does render the film a little more interesting. S
2006’s Starter For Ten is a relatively undemanding coming-of-age comedy that is as quintessentially British as they come. It’s not massively original and a little too content to indulge in clichés throughout. Also, the cast playing the supposedly first-year university students are all, quite evidently, in their mid-twenties.
However, the notion of basing the plot around the long-running TV show, University Challenge, does render the film a little more interesting. Strong performances from a very decent cast, and jokes which are, for the most part, pretty funny, also elevate the movie to something greater than it might otherwise have been.
Score for Christmasishness
Like many movies which make the cut in my annual festive countdown, Starter For Ten is not explicitly a Christmas movie, but the Christmas period does feature fairly heavily in the narrative and takes up a reasonable percentage of the running time. This is definitely a film which embraces its Christmasishness.
2008’s Step Brothers is very much the kind of movie you might expect a late 2000’s movie starring Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly to be. If you watch the trailer then you really don’t need to watch the rest of the movie unless you really like that kind of thing. Which sadly I don’t.
The premise of two Step Brothers, in their forties, acting like ten-year olds is exactly as compelling as it sounds. If I was thirteen when this came out, I’d probably have fo
2008’s Step Brothers is very much the kind of movie you might expect a late 2000’s movie starring Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly to be. If you watch the trailer then you really don’t need to watch the rest of the movie unless you really like that kind of thing. Which sadly I don’t.
The premise of two Step Brothers, in their forties, acting like ten-year olds is exactly as compelling as it sounds. If I was thirteen when this came out, I’d probably have found it hilarious. I wasn’t though so this wasn’t really for me.
I didn’t completely hate it, and parts of it did make me laugh. I will never watch it again though.
Score for Christmasishness
As with many-a-movie depicting a dysfunctional family, Christmas does manage to sneak into the plot. Twice in the case of Step Brothers. Insofar as there is a coherent narrative to this movie (and I’m not sure that there is really), the two Christmases do juxtapose the progression from a complete family breakdown to a reconciliation of sorts so the film is (very slightly) better for it’s Christmasishness and thus the movieearns it’s place in my annual festive countdown (if not in my heart).
I don’t know if 1990’s Home Alone is a good film or not. I honestly can’t be objective about it at all. I’m not sure when I first saw it, but I do know I rented (or got my parents to rent it) from our local video shop at some point in the early 90s and I was instantly smitten.
I watched that rental tape repeatedly until it sadly had to be returned (which would likely have been 48 hours after it came into my possession). Shortly after that I purchased my own cop
I don’t know if 1990’s Home Alone is a good film or not. I honestly can’t be objective about it at all. I’m not sure when I first saw it, but I do know I rented (or got my parents to rent it) from our local video shop at some point in the early 90s and I was instantly smitten.
I watched that rental tape repeatedly until it sadly had to be returned (which would likely have been 48 hours after it came into my possession). Shortly after that I purchased my own copy with saved up pocket money and continued to watch it ad nauseum.
I still enjoy it today. I don’t know how much of this is nostalgia and how much of that enjoyment can be attributed to the fact that it is actually a good movie. I have to imagine, though, that even if it were the greatest film ever made, my enjoyment these days is pure sentimentality.
Irrespective of its merits, it’s surely hard to argue that Macauley Culkin is not one of the finest child actors ever to grace the silver screen. And although Joe Pesci is renowned for more prestigious acting credits, his collaboration with Daniel Stern as the inept Harry and Marv, must be among the great comic double acts in cinema.
Score for Christmasishness
Home Alone very nearly made the inaugural version of this ridiculous annual countdown. But I left it out on the grounds that it has, over the years, become pretty established in my head as an ‘actual Christmas film’ as opposed to one, which is a bit Christmas(ish). But I’ve reviewed that position this year on the basis that a terrestrial UK TV channel elected to show it in April. April is definitely not Christmas. And it occurred to me that as a child I watched Home Alone all year round and never really considered it a movie solely to be consumed at Christmas. And,while if you took Christmas away from the narrative you would definitely lose something, there is the potential for the story to work at a different time of year. But it is set at Christmas, and it is very very Christmassy throughout. So irrespective of whether there is an argument to be made about it not being a bona fide Christmas movie, it is certainly Christmas(ish) in the extreme.
It’s Christmas Eve once more and so once again the folly of my annual advent calendar of movies that are a bit Christmas(ish) must draw to a close.
And what better way to go out than 2021’s Spider-Man: No Way Home? That is a clearly a rhetorical question for there is no better way.
As big a fan as I am of the Marvel Cinematic Universe, and of superhero films in general, they are now so ubiquitous that it’s not often that they live up to the hype. But I genuinely
It’s Christmas Eve once more and so once again the folly of my annual advent calendar of movies that are a bit Christmas(ish) must draw to a close.
And what better way to go out than 2021’s Spider-Man: No Way Home? That is a clearly a rhetorical question for there is no better way.
As big a fan as I am of the Marvel Cinematic Universe, and of superhero films in general, they are now so ubiquitous that it’s not often that they live up to the hype. But I genuinely loved this movie. Spider-Man was always my favourite superhero as a kid, which is a pretty high accolade from a kid who really liked superheroes. As a child I was mainly a fan of Spider-Man cartoons, what with there not actually being a live-action cinematic version of the Web-Slinger until 2002 (I know that may not be factually accurate and but it’s reasonable to state that anything ‘live action’ relating to Spider-Man pre-2002 was not widely known or particularly good). I’ve enjoyed the highs and lows of all the cinematic iterations of Peter Parker and his alter ego since the 2002 movie (some are clearly better than others) but, just when I thought the world didn’t need a new version of Spider-Man, Tom Holland made the part his own in the MCU, first through a cameo in 2016’s Captain America: Civil War and then in subsequent stand-alone Spider-Man movies alongside the brilliant third and fourth installments of the Avengers movies. Sometimes the MCU can be hard to keep up with, but the addition of Spider-Man was genuinely wonderful.
The bar was pretty high for No Way Home, and on paper it seemed like it might be biting off more than it could chew by incorporating several villains from both the Toby Maguire and Andrew Garfield versions of the franchise, as well as uniting Holland with Maguire and Garfield (in one of the worst kept secrets in Hollywood) to have three iterations of Spider-Man in one movie. Incorporating all five non-MCU Spider-Man films into the already fairly bloated MCU might have been disastrous. It was, instead, a triumph.
I have no idea if this film is remotely appealing to anyone that isn’t a well-established Spidey-fan because I am so far down that particular rabbit-hole that I can’t even understand the concept of not being a Spidey fan.
This is definitely a movie that was made for my inner child and my inner child will forever be grateful.
Score for Christmasishness
As if a movie containing three versions of Spider-Man were not reward enough, imagine my delight when I realised that the end of the movie is explicitly set at Christmas time. It isn’t clear exactly when the rest of the movie is set beyond the fact that it is established quite early on that we’re into a period that is post-Halloween. There is one subtle reference that Christmas is coming shortly after that, but as it involves a department store and as department stores are quite heavily invested in promoting Christmas for much of November and December, there is no conclusive proof that we’re into ‘the season’ prior to the final scenes of the movie. But those scenes are very Christmassy and would be enough for me to include a much lesser film in this annual countdown. So for a movie as great as No Way Home those scenes make it a shoe-in for the Christmas Eve slot.
As I write this, some potatoes are roasting in my oven. They are basking contently in olive oil, garlic and rosemary. I’m quietly confident they will be delicious in about 45 minutes from now. At various points I will need to pop a few vegetables into the oven to keep them company on their journey to the plates of the Proclaims family. Oh and a massive side of salmon that could feed about 8 large people but will only need to feed one large person and three small people. Mrs Proclai
As I write this, some potatoes are roasting in my oven. They are basking contently in olive oil, garlic and rosemary. I’m quietly confident they will be delicious in about 45 minutes from now. At various points I will need to pop a few vegetables into the oven to keep them company on their journey to the plates of the Proclaims family. Oh and a massive side of salmon that could feed about 8 large people but will only need to feed one large person and three small people. Mrs Proclaims is fairly diminutive in stature and my daughters are still very much small children.
The all like a roast potato though.
And they all like salmon.
Which is good, because there will be quite a lot of both.
I could have purchased a smaller portion of salmon, but such are the supermarket deals in the festive build-up that it was more economical to buy too much fish than an appropriate amount. Fortunately I’m a big fan of festive leftovers so the excess will form the basis of a fair few sandwiches over the coming days.
Little Proclaims has already stated that she will not eat sprouts. Mini Proclaims has not voiced any objections but will be rather more physical in her protestations towards unwanted vegetables when faced with them on her plate and may hurl them directly at my head if I misjudge her requirements.
There is no turkey because Mrs Proclaims is the kind of strange vegetarian that refuses to eat meat but will happily eat fish. A pescatarian some might say. A pesky-tarian if you have to cater for her though.
I don’t mind this state of affairs. We’ve been together so long that having salmon for Christmas dinner is now as much of a tradition for me as turkey ever was. It’s a bonus that both of my children like it too. I think they would be open to turkey but they really do seem to like salmon and, given the tendency of small children to reject healthy food, if they are prepared to eat salmon, I am happy to provide it.
Prior to lunch, the day has mainly been devoted to the unwrapping of presents. Little Proclaims is quite good at this, and once she’d raced through her own selection of plastic unicorns, she was quite happy (and indeed quite insistent on) helping other family members to unwrap their presents. In our early days of parenthood, we used to try and eke out the present unwrapping, but Little Proclaims finds the idea of an un-unwrapped present offensive to her personal beliefs. And she can be quite loud and annoying so like all good parents, we bow to her demands and commercialist sensibilities on Christmas morning.
Mini Proclaims seems quite pleased with her gifts, but is more circumspect about the whole thing, and is frankly just as happy with the wrapping paper as the toys contained therein.
Mini Proclaims is now napping. Little Proclaims is watching TV. Mrs Proclaims is pretending to work on her PhD while actually browsing the post-Christmas sales online and I am cooking dinner.
I like cooking Christmas dinner, but I am not doing it for altruistic reasons. I’m mainly doing it because I really like eating Christmas dinner and I’m quite good at cooking. I’m not sure if I’m good at cooking because I like eating. It could be a chicken and an egg situation but as I’m cooking neither chicken nor eggs I wouldn’t wish to speculate.
I have not yet consumed any alcohol, but there is a bottle of sparkling wine chilling in the fridge and I plan to be mildly inebriated for most of the rest of the day.
We may attempt some kind of post-lunch walk. It sounds quite pleasant in principle but a combination of uncooperative children and indigestion may make it less than joyful.
I expect there will be chocolates at some point. Indeed there have already been quite a lot of chocolates.
As a parent I do think it’s important to teach my children the true meaning of Christmas. Which I’m quite sure is over-indulgence and rampant commercialism.
So wherever you are and whatever you are doing, I hope you are having a wonderful Christmas and planning to be slightly fatter tomorrow.
‘Twas the day after Christmas and all through the house, Not a calorie was burning, no-one would espouse, Any kind of activity, except watching telly, For more had been consumed than a bowl full of jelly
And just before resolutions of New Year we make, (The ones that we keep for days and then break), The post Christmas fallout increases their need, As on festive treats we continue to feed
On chocolates, on peanuts, on stollen we nibble, On whiskey, on lager, on mulled wine we
‘Twas the day after Christmas and all through the house, Not a calorie was burning, no-one would espouse, Any kind of activity, except watching telly, For more had been consumed than a bowl full of jelly
And just before resolutions of New Year we make, (The ones that we keep for days and then break), The post Christmas fallout increases their need, As on festive treats we continue to feed
On chocolates, on peanuts, on stollen we nibble, On whiskey, on lager, on mulled wine we tipple, From the top of the fridge to the cupboard so tall, We stashed away, stashed away stashed away all
But now is the time to consume all this fare, Without second thought, or even a care, And as bellies bulge, and trousers get tight, Have a great Boxing Day and a better Boxing Night!
Sirens blareAre you listeningIn the lanesDrivers bristlingA depressing sightIt’s crappy tonightSulking in a Christmas traffic jam
Gone away is all hope nowHere to stay is a new lowThe queue looks so longAs we don’t go alongSulking in a Christmas traffic jam
At the junction we can try a new routeAnd pretend that it will some how commuteThe time that we tarriedThough we know thatWe’ll just rejoin the gridlock Further down
Later onWe’ll still be hereAs our d
Sirens blare Are you listening In the lanes Drivers bristling A depressing sight It’s crappy tonight Sulking in a Christmas traffic jam
Gone away is all hope now Here to stay is a new low The queue looks so long As we don’t go along Sulking in a Christmas traffic jam
At the junction we can try a new route And pretend that it will some how commute The time that we tarried Though we know that We’ll just rejoin the gridlock Further down
Later on We’ll still be here As our dreams disappear And we have to delay All the plans that we’ve made Sulking in a Christmas traffic jam
Have yourself a calorific Christmas,Take another biteFrom now on,Our slippers will be out of sightHave yourself a lazy little Christmas,Eat the Yule-tide log,From now on,We’ll resolve not to ever jog
Here we gorge on unhealthy food,Full of sugar we adoreChocolate boxes so near to usThat we need to have one more.
At New Year we’ll resolve to be better If our will allowsHang onto that goal without a plan of howAnd don’t regret the bad decisions you make now.
Have yourself a calorific Christmas, Take another bite From now on, Our slippers will be out of sight Have yourself a lazy little Christmas, Eat the Yule-tide log, From now on, We’ll resolve not to ever jog
Here we gorge on unhealthy food, Full of sugar we adore Chocolate boxes so near to us That we need to have one more.
At New Year we’ll resolve to be better If our will allows Hang onto that goal without a plan of how And don’t regret the bad decisions you make now.
I’m not dreaming of a white ChristmasJust like the ones I’ve never knownWith my gas bill risingThere’s no disguisingThe last thing that I need is snow.
I’m not dreaming of a white ChristmasThe Christmas cards I sent were lateBut I’m still quite full of good cheerBecause all my Christmases have beer
I’m not dreaming of a white Christmas Just like the ones I’ve never known With my gas bill rising There’s no disguising The last thing that I need is snow.
I’m not dreaming of a white Christmas The Christmas cards I sent were late But I’m still quite full of good cheer Because all my Christmases have beer
Old Christmas tree, Old Christmas tree!How are thy leaves so plastic!Old Christmas tree, Old Christmas tree,I’m not being sarcastic
In the loft in the summertime,I get thee down at ChristmastimeOld Christmas tree, Old Christmas tree,I think thou art quite broken
Old Christmas tree, Old Christmas tree,Much pleasure did thou bring me!Old Christmas tree, Old Christmas tree,But now thou art quite sad to see
Year on year this Christmas tree,Becomes less than it used to beOld Ch
According to my understanding of the Gregorian calendar, today is the last day of the year that I have mainly been referring to as ‘2023’. And if that is the case, then I must abide by my own rules and produce some kind of a review of the year. Because I do it every year. Or I have done it every year since 2015, which is, in truth, not every year at all. Just the years I have been an active blogger.
Whether I deserve to refer to myself as an ‘active blogger’, w
According to my understanding of the Gregorian calendar, today is the last day of the year that I have mainly been referring to as ‘2023’. And if that is the case, then I must abide by my own rules and produce some kind of a review of the year. Because I do it every year. Or I have done it every year since 2015, which is, in truth, not every year at all. Just the years I have been an active blogger.
Whether I deserve to refer to myself as an ‘active blogger’, when I have spent very little of 2023 maintaining this blog is possibly debateable. A quick look back at what I wrote for the 2022 equivalent of this ‘end of year’ effort, would suggest I didn’t do much blogging in 2022 either. I did, as I recall, write a fair bit in the preceding two years, but I think that was mainly as a reaction to a certain pandemic. I’d like to get back to being a proper blogger and updating these little-read pages with my unsolicited observations of the world, but I’m not in a hurry to see another contagious disease sweeping the world, so I’m going to have to find a different kind of motivation in 2024.
That sounds like something I might want to address in my obligatory New Year’s Resolution post and consequently a problem I can defer until tomorrow. Which is the best way to deal with all problems in my experience.
It is, nonetheless, quite hard for me to review 2023, because I’m not sure I really took part in it. I wasn’t just avoiding blogging for most of the past year, I was avoiding any kind of meaningful existence.
That is because my life is now entirely devoted to my two daughters. I’m not sure this is because I’m an especially good parent and more because I’m not really sure how not to devote my entire existence to them. Small children, as it turns out, are quite demanding.
What little I have seen of the news in 2023, suggests that world events have not, on the whole, been especially positive. Perhaps my frequent trips to the play park and/or soft play have been as good as anything anyone else has been up to.
I went on holiday in August. It was a UK-based holiday but I did spend a week in a static caravan somewhere that I don’t live. The children were with me for all of that week though so it was really not that different to not being on holiday. Except I was in a caravan rather than a house. Which isn’t necessarily an improvement. I think I enjoyed the holiday though. I’m certain my children did anyway, which is apparently all that counts.
I’m not sure I’ve evolved all that much as a person in 2023. Possibly I have though. A new Indiana Jones film came out and I haven’t seen it yet. It’s available to stream on a service I subscribe to, I’m a massive fan of Indiana Jones and I haven’t seen it. But I have seen the latest Paw Patrol movie. Twice.
I’ve also started listening to audiobooks. Quite obsessively. I used to read books obsessively once upon a time, but that is something that necessitates ‘finding time to do stuff’ and having two kids means that I’m more likely to find miscellaneous plastic toys in my shoes than ‘time to do stuff’. But audiobooks can be consumed while doing other stuff, like driving, or wandering around the supermarket or picking up miscellaneous plastic toys, so I’m very much a fan of the medium.
My daughters both have evolved. This is to be expected. They are children. Most experiences are new and exciting to small children. Little Proclaims is now in her second year of compulsory education and seems to be fairly enthusiastic about this. She is fairly enthusiastic about a lot things a lot of the time and school, for the most part, seems to suit her. She can now read and write a bit. She is more motivated by the former than the latter and regularly reads even the most mundane of billboards aloud as we navigate through the various commutes life throws our way. Mini Proclaims is still attempting to master speech but has started to develop a few key words to communicate her wants and needs. Her favourite word is ‘chocolate’.
Mrs Proclaims continues to work on a PhD that has seemingly taken up most of her adult life. If all goes well, I might be able to report the successful end of that endeavour this time next year. But she won’t thank me for attempting to count metaphorical chickens on that subject. I’m not sure what she’ll do with herself when she has completed her studies though. Maybe she can start a blog.
In summary then, 2023 was a year in which I was mainly a dad. I like being a dad, but I have no idea what else happened in 2023.
I expect something did though. Maybe other people have written about it.
But I’m not remotely qualified to offer any insight.
Other than to say that 2023 was definitely a year that did happen and in that sense, it achieved its main purpose.
If you are planning to stay up and see the New Year in, then raise a glass for me. I’m pretty sure I’ll have passed out on the sofa several hours beforehand. And I won’t have touched a drop of alcohol.
Like most of its predecessors, 2024 is a year. Whether it is a good year or a bad year (or a blameless measurement of time passing) is yet to be determined but it has now made a start. And when a year starts, it is important that we all take some time to reflect on just how disappointing we are as people and make some kind of pledge to be better in the future. It’s a very narrow window in which to commit to self-improvement. You can’t just wake up on January 2nd and decide to
Like most of its predecessors, 2024 is a year. Whether it is a good year or a bad year (or a blameless measurement of time passing) is yet to be determined but it has now made a start. And when a year starts, it is important that we all take some time to reflect on just how disappointing we are as people and make some kind of pledge to be better in the future. It’s a very narrow window in which to commit to self-improvement. You can’t just wake up on January 2nd and decide to make positive life changes – that would never work. It must be done on the first day of the year, or not at all. I don’t make the rules, but I damn well will abide by them!
In previous years I perhaps haven’t taken the concept of the New Year’s Resolution as seriously as I should, and you could accuse me of having set some rather insincere targets on my New Year’s Day post. Regular readers may recall that one year I became a little fixated with the 1996 film Space Jam despite having never seen it. In 2023 I did manage to right this wrong and watched not only the original Space Jam movie, but the 2021 sequel, Space Jam: A New Legacy. I neither loved nor hated them.
Last year I made the somewhat strange decision to make some real New Year’s Resolutions, which seems very out of character. Having reviewed them prior to writing this post, I can see that I absolutely failed to hit all but one of them. They were as follows:
Lose some weight
Write more
Keep fit
Spend less money
Enjoy the moment
The only one I did achieve was the goal of ‘keeping fit’. Which was fairly easy seeing as I had already managed to get quite fit during the pandemic. Keeping fit is much more manageable than getting fit in the first place. Plus regular exercise always seems like a legitimate escape from my children a few times a week. I love my children but sometimes I need a break from them. Running around a field might seem like a strange way of getting some ‘me time’ but there’s only so much Paw Patrol anyone can endure.
Unfortunately I also use exercise as a way of legitimising my poor dietary choices so it’s not surprising that I didn’t achieve the ‘losing weight’ goal.
The lack of posts on this blog is a fair indication that I didn’t maintain any kind of writing commitment, and I’m quite certain that I did nothing to reduce my spending, although a hike in the cost of living possibly made that all but impossible anyway.
I did, arguably ‘enjoy some moments’ of 2023, but I don’t think I achieved anything like the sentiment of that resolution and still spent far too much time worrying about stuff outside of my control.
It would be reasonable to just ‘roll over’ last years resolutions to this year, but I’m not going to do that on the basis that:
It’s not especially nice to fail at stuff
I didn’t actually remember making any of the resolutions until I started writing this post, so any success would have been more down to the fact that I wanted to achieve those things anyway, rather than because I made New Year’s Resolutions.
I think, therefore, an insincere list of stupid goals is probably more ‘me’. So these are my resolutions for 2024:
Wear odd shoes to work. Ultimately very similar but slightly different shoes on each foot. Just to see if anyone notices.
Start watching a sport I previously had no interest in. And then become boringly knowledgeable about the sport, including historic fixtures which predate my interest in said sport. Then annoy people who really are fans of the sport by constantly sharing my insights with them.
Coin a new phrase and then use it relentlessly until it is adopted by at least one other person. I don’t wish to let the sock out of the laundry basket, but I may even attempt that on this blog at some point.
Give up a foodstuff which has no negative health implications and then brag about the fact to anyone who will listen, in the hope of influencing other people to make similarly pointless lifestyle changes.
Read the chapters of a novel in random order to see if I can still make sense of the plot. And then make the spurious claim that I enjoyed it more than if I’d read the novel in the correct order and see if I can turn ‘reading stuff in the wrong order’ into a social media fad.
There we go. Some pointless resolutions for 2024. I think we all feel better about the future now.
Assuming that I finish writing this post and deem it worthy of publication (and the quality control on my blog is such that if I finish writing something I instantly deem it worthy of publication on these pages, irrespective of whether it’s actually any good), then it will be my 33rd post in as many consecutive days. I’ve achieved longer blogging streaks than this, but I always see a 30+ daily blogging streak as a pretty good indication that I’ve got my blogging mojo ba
Assuming that I finish writing this post and deem it worthy of publication (and the quality control on my blog is such that if I finish writing something I instantly deem it worthy of publication on these pages, irrespective of whether it’s actually any good), then it will be my 33rd post in as many consecutive days. I’ve achieved longer blogging streaks than this, but I always see a 30+ daily blogging streak as a pretty good indication that I’ve got my blogging mojo back, particularly after a lengthy period of not writing much at all.
It’s slightly disingenuous on this occasion because the first 24 posts of the 33 were my annual advent calendar of Christmas films and I wrote most of those in 2021. But while those posts were appearing on the blog, I was secretly working on watching and writing about other films for future versions of my Christmas countdown. 2024 and 2025 are already in the bag, and 2026 is taking shape too, so the blogosphere can relax in the knowledge that, irrespective of whatever else I might write, the statistically least popular section of my blog will continue for years to come.
The next eight posts all had a Christmas theme too, what with that being the time of year, and traditionally, even during my most fallow blogging periods, I’ve always been quite prolific at Christmas.
But I do feel like I might like to start writing at other times of the year again. This does need to be tempered with the reality that time is rarely a commodity I have much of, even when I seemingly do have quite a lot of it, because my children do occupy a lot of the time I used to regard as mine. They do provide quite a lot of blogworthy material in that time, but I’m generally too exhausted to commit to writing any of it down.
This post, for example, is being produced on New Year’s Day, when Mini Proclaims is taking a nap and Little Proclaims is doing a fairly good impression of a zombie in front of the TV. This window will last a maximum of an hour and is largely only available because it’s cold outside and lots of places we’d normally go are closed for the holiday. Tomorrow, when this post is ‘live’ we’ll be on the motorway en route to visit my parents and the following day has already been mainly put aside for haircuts and shoe purchasing (because hair and feet continue to grow, irrespective of the pressures that such inconsiderate growth places on my wallet). A few more days of soft-play and park visits will ensue, and might yield the odd window of blogging time, before the end of the school holidays will oblige me to try and fit in a full-time job alongside my eldest daughters’ various extra-curricular activities.
Still it does feel like I could do a bit better than I have managed in the last two years and the way to achieve this is to possibly lower my ambitions with regards to quality and quantity. I’ve never strived for both quality and quantity on this blog – generally when I’ve been prolific, it has been at the expense of any kind of quality control, but when I post less regularly, I always think that I should strive to produce something that is quite good. But two years of hardly posting anything is testament to the fact that the threshold has shifted. And so I either need to let this blog die a dignified death, or start consciously producing dross on a semi-regular basis. Even at its worst, I like to think that my blog is far from being the least worthy thing on the internet so I’m loath to make a dignified exit. Instead, I’m going to try and be a more regular blogger from here on in, by adopting a filter-free approach to posting. This may mean several weeks at a time of nothing but bad haikus but I’m not planning on plumbing those depths in the foreseeable future.
I expect there will be quite a lot of poetry though. I’d like to think my poetry will hold a mirror up to society, but some of it will be about such era-defining issues as ‘an old towel’, ‘those biscuits that I quite like’ and ‘that weird mark on the wall’. Perhaps because I have absolutely no understanding of what makes for a good poem, I find poetry quite easy to write. I prefer writing prose but this generally takes more time, even when inspiration is everywhere. There has been a lot of great source material for prose over the past two years, but very little has made it onto the blog. This has to change because if I don’t owe it to myself, then I certainly owe it to my children to ensure that all of their most embarrassing adventures are recorded on here for me to torture them with as they get older.
Both sisters combined on New Year’s Eve, for example, to give me some fantastic material that mainly focuses on their bowel movements. Surely neither of my daughters would forgive me if I don’t manage to record that story for the sake of posterity.
And so this post serves as both an indication that I am now well and truly back in the blogosphere and also as proof that I am quite happy to post any old crap. And that very soon I will be posting a story that is quite literally about crap.
I’m waiting in for a man Who can fix my roofBecause I can’t fix my roofI’m rather lacking in that skillThe man is now 45 minutes lateOf his revised ETAAn ETA he only told me aboutWhen he was already 30 minutes lateFor the original appointmentWhich was at a time he suggestedAnd which, to accommodate himI rearranged existing plans
I really need not to have a broken roofAt any time of yearBut especially duringWhat has thus farBeen a fairly wet JanuaryAlbeit we’re
I’m waiting in for a man Who can fix my roof Because I can’t fix my roof I’m rather lacking in that skill The man is now 45 minutes late Of his revised ETA An ETA he only told me about When he was already 30 minutes late For the original appointment Which was at a time he suggested And which, to accommodate him I rearranged existing plans
I really need not to have a broken roof At any time of year But especially during What has thus far Been a fairly wet January Albeit we’re only five days in
At this point I might be inclined to suggest That I’ll take my business elsewhere But after frantically calling several roofers All of whom profess to offer An emergency 24/7 service He was the only person who returned my call With any kind of offer to come out
After a similar experience with plumbers Over the years I have turned my hand To amateur plumbing With varying degrees of success And not too many spectacular failures But I don’t think I possess the skills Nor indeed the ladders Required to fix a roof
And while one might question The wisdom Of my trial and error Approach to plumbing The worst that ever happened Was a wet floor Which required a lot of subsequent mopping
Were I to attempt to fix my roof I would be unlikely to need Any kind of mop As I would more likely Be the mess that would need cleaning up
So as annoying as it is To sit around waiting for a roofer I think on this occasion That patience might be more than a virtue
It is Sunday afternoon as I write this. Mini Proclaims is napping, having recently covered herself and much of the dining table in my home-made sweet potato soup. She does enjoy a bowl of soup. Not to eat seemingly, more to ‘accessorise’. ‘Soup’ is a word she does occasionally use in conversation, and her vocabulary is still fairly limited, so I assume she has positive feelings about the stuff. Not all soups presumably – at this point it may be helpful
But she is now asleep, which remains a necessity, both for her and the rest of the Proclaims family. When my youngest daughter finally decides that an afternoon nap is no longer something she is on board with, I fear for the mental health of the rest of the family. Mini Proclaims is not always naughty, but she is a particular kind of naughty.
Little Proclaims, is currently sat opposite me as I write this and busy ‘creating’. Creating largely consists of sticking pieces of paper together with sellotape and then claiming that they are something that they bear no resemblance to. She enjoys creating. Little Proclaims is never ‘knowingly naughty’. This is not to say that she is never badly behaved. Little Proclaims frequently behaves in ways that make her parents lives more difficult, but this behaviour stems from misunderstandings, tiredness, hunger and general frustrations that the world is not exactly as she thinks it should be. She doesn’t ever intend to upset anyone but she sees life through the lens of a five year old and sometimes that causes problems.
Mini Proclaims is four months shy of her second birthday. She is a smiley toddler who likes to cuddle. But sometimes she is naughty because she thinks it’s funny to be naughty. She will literally do things to get a reaction and then laugh when she gets that reaction. Often she will wait until she has managed to attract your attention before she even starts to do the thing that she knows she shouldn’t be doing. Like if we accidently leave the stair gate open, she will literally sit on the bottom step until she sees me looking and then race up the stairs laughing as soon as I make some kind of effort to rectify the situation. Or she will ask for food and then once said food is provided, will tip it on the floor with genuine glee. Or mid change, as you reach for the fresh nappy, you’ll suddenly note the absence of a recipient and a small bare bottom racing away accompanied by giggles.
Little Proclaims enjoys singing. She is too young for us to know whether this is something she is going to be good at, but we have already established that she is enthusiastic. Tuneful or not, nothing warms my heart like hearing her sing. One of her favourite songs to sing is from Matilda the Musical. It’s called ‘Naughty’ and the main recurring line in the song is “sometimes you have to be a little bit naughty’. But even when she is at her most challenging, I don’t think Little Proclaims believes that sentiment.
Recently Mini Proclaims has started joining in with the singing. She doesn’t sing many of the lyrics but the general tune is broadly accurate in the context of her being under-two. When she sings along to ‘Naughty’, I believe her emphatically.
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