The post Email Bingo appeared first on The Cooper Review.

Innovation at large companies is hard, but it doesn’t have to be. Follow these 12 innovative steps to innovate and increase innovation in the workplace and you’ll be innovating in no time.

1. Hire a Chief Innovation Officer

Bring on someone dedicated to innovation. Give them lots of latitude so they have no idea what they’re supposed to be doing, no idea what team they’re on and no idea if they’re being successful. At some point you’ll realize you have no idea what this person does, so hire a Chief Disruption Officer to work with them. Follow that up with a Chief Officer Officer, and a Chief Chief Officer.

2. Attend an innovation conference

Attend an innovation conference that’s named a fun portmanteau of the word “innovate,” such as Finnovate, Technovate, or Diginnovate. Take a lot of notes and hand out business cards. Forget everything as soon as you leave.

3. Order a few Gartner reports

To innovate, you must focus on the data. To focus on the data, you must order the data. Spend thousands of dollars on several reports. Do a deep dive into the research. Present your findings to the team. Feel like you accomplished something. Use this accomplishment to find a better paying job at another company.

4. Start an Innovation Lab

Convert a corner office into an Innovation Lab (or Innovation Institute, or Innovation Incubator). Staff your Innovation Lab with current engineers who will continue working on their existing projects but will draw cool things on the whiteboards so it looks like they’re innovating.

5. Run a sprint

Run a 3-day Innovation sprint where you lock everyone in a conference room and tell them to be creative. Put multi-colored post-it notes up on the walls. At the end of the sprint announce to the company how many great ideas came out of the sprint, then do none of them.

6. Go on an Innovation retreat

Take your executive team on an Innovation retreat like Steve Jobs used to do. Arrive with high hopes, leave with several potential sexual harassment lawsuits.

7. Just say the word “innovation” over and over again

If you keep saying the word innovation over and over again, people will eventually assume you’re being really innovative.

8. Create a company-wide innovation OKR

Encourage your employees to make innovation a top priority by including it on their personal list of objectives and key results. Feel excited when everyone gives themselves a perfect score for accomplishing the goal, even though you haven’t actually seen any new ideas implemented.

9. Rename all your conference rooms

Give your conference rooms the names of inspiring inventors, leaders and humanitarians and fill them with fun seating options like bean bag chairs, bouncy balls and massage chairs.

10. Become a “digital first” company

Tell everyone you are now a “digital first” company. Update your word processing system from Lotus Notes to Office 365. Consider your job done.

11. Change the font on your logo

Re-imagine your logo for the digital age by changing the font from serif to sans-serif.

12. Steal something from Apple

Stealing something from Apple is the most innovative way to be seen as an innovative, digital-first company.

The post 12 Innovative Ways to Innovate Your Innovation appeared first on The Cooper Review.

You went to college for what you loved and somehow ended up in an open office plan. There are bean bag chairs and conference rooms and free beer after 5pm on Fridays and that’s cool but most people don’t want to talk about Joan Didion or read your manuscript.

Congratulations! You work in technology: a hot career field that you can’t explain to your liberal arts pals. Their eyes glaze over when you go on about sprint plans, or roll when you say yearly bonus. You just can’t win – or can you?

Behold, the top ten ways to use your English degree into your day-to-day interactions, and in the process bring a touch of humanities to the world of code and scrum.

1. Reuse your thesis during design reviews

Design reviews are a drag, but it’s nothing a little “Apparitional Economies: Spectral Imagery in the Antebellum Imagination” won’t fix. Work Poe’s shadowy figures into discussions of drop shadows.

2. Sprinkle poetry Easter eggs in Github

Give your software engineer an unexpected treat: a little Gwendolyn Brooks in Github. There’s nothing like raw, terse urban beauty tucked admist the commits to help contemplate non-existent work-life balance.

3. Remind everyone of tech leaders with liberal arts degrees

• Salesforce: Co-Founder Parker Harris studied English at Middlebury
• Alibaba: Founder Jack Ma was an English teacher
• Snapchat: Former COO Emily White studied Fine and Studio Arts at Vanderbilt
• LinkedIn: Founder Reid Hoffman studied Philosophy at Oxford
• Slack: Founder Stewart Butterfield studied Philosophy

In The Fuzzy and the Techie, Scott Hartley says liberal arts will rule the digital world, so why not you?

4. Give The Lean Startup a close read

That inspirational business book the CEO bought everyone is ripe for analysis. Use structuralism to show that literary texts cannot be divorced from historical context, aka having money and advantage sure helps, Eric Ries.

5. Cite literary sources during standups

Programmers love to trash liberal arts degrees. Remind them that all popular media they enjoy was created by someone with your uncultivated skillset. Standup will be tense, but tension just advances the plot.

6. Make meetings magically realistic

During another 30 minutes of nothing much getting decided, mute the Polycom and channel the spirit of Italo Calvino. The account manager has the horn of a unicorn. His promises are cotton candy clouds. Pretty.

7. Find lyricism in your use of tech buzzwords

A healthy glossary is key to expressing your thoughts. Disruptive doesn’t traditionally have positive connotations but you’re pretty much in Brave New World so okay, a transitive verb that means to break is fine. This retrospective is disrupting your spirit.

8. Find touches of Hemingway in your CEO

See the literary canon in action. Hemingway’s alcoholism and fragile femininity got nothing on Gary at a company-sponsored golf outing.

9. Explore narrative conflict in quarterly planning

Use those career misgivings to really dig into Man vs. Self (what am I doing here), Man vs. Man (is Amy really holding out on my expense reports), Man vs. Society (my publishing friends paid for their own holiday party), Man vs. Nature (yet I haven’t seen the sun in three days), Man vs. Fate (but seriously what am I doing).

10. Relate #WomeninTech with the concept of the Other

As an English major, you might not be good at math, but you have eyes: get ready to get uncomfortably close to the idea introduced in Medea as part of Core Curriculum 1.1.

The post 10 Ways to Use Your English Degree At a Tech Job appeared first on The Cooper Review.

Here are 22 items no open office space can live without.

1. A Remote-Controlled Flying Shark

Every open office space needs a remote-controlled flying shark to keep employees sufficiently distracted during high-stress working hours.

2. Life-sized Cardboard Cutouts of Beloved Former Employees

Every office has a Doug or a Susan who they miss dearly. Why not keep their memories alive with a life-sized cardboard cutout?

3. Mechanical flying pig

For when anyone says that you’ll get a raise when pigs fly…

4. Assorted tea sampler

Tea is a sure sign of company growth and success, so make sure you have as many varieties as possible.

5. Fidget spinners

All that work on the keyboard can lead to carpel tunnel syndrome and other bad stuff. So get some fidget spinners.

6. Nerf gun

If you have trouble telling people to be quiet, try giving them a subtle hint with a nerf dart.

7. Subversive needlepoint

Add a touch of whimsy to your open office space with a needlepoint that says “Nope not today.”

8. Beach umbrellas

Beach umbrellas add a ton of flair to any converted warehouse space, and also help with the endless glare.

9. A countdown clock

A countdown clock is great way to help your coworkers wrap it up when they swing by your desk for a “quick chat”.

10. A treadmill desk

Make your employees think you care about their health with a treadmill desk.

11. Bean bag chairs

What makes you seem more fun than a bean bag chair?

12. An alcohol cart

Tech companies are known for epic innovation in drinking, so follow in their footsteps with your own booze station.

13. Ironic awards

Reward your coworkers for what they truly excel at, such as first place in giving zero fucks.

14. Bobble head dolls

Every desk should have a bobble head.

15. Blow-up Dolls of Current Employees

After a layoff, the office can feel kind of dead in the early morning, evenings, weekends and during the day. Make it seem more happening with a blow-up doll so it looks like there’s really someone sitting at a desk.

16. A box of Christmas decorations

Just an old box of Christmas decorations that no one seems to want to put away until it’s already Christmas again.

17. Pool noodles

In case a coworker starts drowning in work, throw them a pool noodle.

18. A book about how to appear smart in meetings

Looking smart in meetings will make you look smart, but just having the book will also do the trick.

19. A tribute to Office Space

Every office needs an Office Space poster.

20. Inflatable unicorn

If your company has any chance of actually becoming a unicorn, keep your eyes on the prize.

21. Demotivational posters

Let the walls speak for themselves.

22. Swear jar

Every open office needs a swear jar to collect a dollar each time your coworker says something questionably offensive or accidentally replies all on an email.

The post 22 Must Have Items for Your Open Office Space appeared first on The Cooper Review.

Emojis – they’re everywhere now.  Hell, they even made an entire movie about them.  Now your boss and coworkers are using them endlessly in text, email and Slack.  But do you know what those emojis really mean? Let’s take a look at some of the more popular ones and show you their true meanings…

Smiley Face

“I’m trying to end this conversation in the politest way possible.”

Clapping

“Millennials want more feedback so let me give you feedback you don’t deserve with an emoji that shows I’m cool and understand your generation.  Great job!”

Eye Roll

“Maybe I’ll tell you over drinks sometimes.”

Thumbs up

“I can only type the word “ok” in an email so much, so I’m using this thumbs up.”

Ghost Face

“I’m amazed at how easily you’ve all f’ed up this entire project.  It’s impressive.”

Poo

“I may be smiling on the outside, but this entire project is a steaming pile of poo.”

Face Palm

“I work with idiots.  Just tons and tons of idiots. Guess this is what a philosophy degree gets you.”

Speak no evil monkey

“I’m not ratting out Brenda who finished all the non-dairy, organic, non-GMO almond milk.  But we all know who it was.”

Shrugging

“I don’t know.  Stop asking me.  I don’t even know why I’m cc’ed on this email.”

The post What Those Emojis Really Mean appeared first on The Cooper Review.

The path to corporate success is paved with hard work and dedication. But how can you blaze up that path without having to pave that road? Here are 6 amazing ways to take credit for someone else’s work.

1. Ask them how they plan on solving problem “X” right before the meeting, then say their plan before they can speak

Right before the meeting, put your hand on their shoulder and say “Buddy, I do not know how we’re going to get out of this one.” Sound a bit panicked, and egg them on a bit more for a solution if they don’t give you one. If you want to live dangerously, pound the table and say “I got it!” a half a second before they’re about to solve the problem at the meeting.

2. Go for a nice stroll by their desk when they’re away

Exercise is a great way to improve productivity, especially when your exercise is walking in front of a smart person’s desk. Do a quick once-over of their desk or computer screen, and if bystanders are suspicious, just say you’re looking for some staples. Staples are the most inconspicuous office supplies to look for.

3. Repeat a solution someone just said, but add a minuscule detail change

If they don’t give you all the credit, at least you’ll get recognition for “fixing” an unbroken idea. Ideally, the situation would go a little like this:

Manager: And that’s why we need to cut down expenses 12% by the end of the quarter. Any ideas?

Smart coworker: I think our only option is staff layoffs and replacing them with cheaper solutions. I do not see how we can continue doing business when we are so overstaffed. It’s either lose a few fingers, or cut off the whole hand.

You: Layoffs? Have a heart, have a soul! There has to be another way…maybe task automation? We find ways to automate certain tasks, and ask some staff to supervise in case of a malfunction. Sure, some staff will have to find… other employment opportunities (maybe most of them) but we’ll survive. The hand stays attached, and a few of the fingers get smaller.

Manager: You’ve done it again! Someone can expect a nice bonus this year.

4. Brainstorm with a group, viciously object to the best idea another person says, then say that same idea to management if your own ideas aren’t connecting

The only thing better than taking someone’s great idea is make the person who thought of it think it’s a horrible one.

5. Ask for “feedback” from your team regarding any new initiatives, take that advice, then fire them

They say one of the secrets to success is to surround yourself with smart people. The other part of that is taking their valuable input, then getting rid of the evidence.

6. If there’s a big project, volunteer to co-chair with someone, and avoid all of the work so they have to do it.

Your partner may know you’re an irresponsible scumbag, but the world will only see a successful project with your name under it.

And there you have it. Someone’s thinking of a great idea right now, so get out and get ready to pounce. Note: After stealing someone’s idea, proper ways to celebrate include: pelvic thrusts towards their direction and posting pictures of your bonus check on their Facebook wall.

If you enjoyed this piece, a clap, comment or a follow would be greatly appreciated: http://medium.com/@young_warren

The post 6 Amazing Ways to Take Credit for Someone Else’s Work appeared first on The Cooper Review.

Here are the 7 types of out-of-office emails you’ll likely get this week.

1. Complicated Claire

Hello! I’m out of the office right now with no access to email. If you have a question about billing, please contact Irene. If you have a question about marketing, please contact Josh. If you have a question about billing related to marketing, please contact Irene and Josh and cc Mark. If this is regarding a catering delivery, please let Josh know but make sure Irene does not see it because it is for her birthday. If this is related to something not mentioned, please see my 9-page Google Doc on who to contact. Thanks.

2. Cryptic Chris

Please be advised: I need to go away for a while. I will not have cell reception, an Internet connection or access to a computer. I will have one crockpot and a bag of beans. I will return all messages upon my return. I cannot tell you when that will be. Do not read into this.

3. Meme Mitch

Didn’t you know I’m at jury duty today? I would never put you on trial but I would watch a Law and Order marathon with you while I massage your feet.

4. Paranoid Pete

Hello,

Thank you for your message. *Please note I am currently passing through TSA and will be out pocket for approximately the time it takes you to read this email. If for some reason this message stays up for longer than three minutes, please initiate the following emergency protocol:

1. Call me on my other work cell phone, the one I tucked into my waistline and the agents don’t know about. That number is 203-750-8674.

2. Shoot me a text.

3. Tweet at @Hudson_News_LGA. There’s a good chance I’ve lost track of time in the bestsellers aisle.

4. Launch the skywriters.

5. Release the bloodhounds.

6. Appear on the Today Show and announce the reward for my safe return.

If the seasons have changed and you have not heard back from me, please assume I am no longer with the company and connect with me on LinkedIn. *At no point in time should you contact my superior.

5. Chill Charlotte

Hey guys,

Decided to ditch work and get this weekend started a little early. I knew you would understand Unfortunately that means all deliverables I promised to you by EOD will now be sent at 8:45 AM Monday morning. That still gives you a full 15 minutes to review and add feedback before the start of the *actual* workweek. I wouldn’t do this to you (Again! Sorry!), if I knew you couldn’t handle it. You guys rock

Sent from my iPhone

6. Martyr Marissa

Hi!

I am not here right now because our office has been told to evacuate. I can smell the smoke as I type! I wanted to make sure you understood that your life absolutely means more than mine which is why I’m willing to risk burning alive to complete my portion of this week’s Work in Progress doc. I promise you I will not stop responding to your EMERGENCY requests until my fingertips singe off and I can no longer type because I’m also in an emergency of my own! And even then I…wait I’m being forcibly removed from my desk. Please know this is against my will and I would never do anything to jeopardize our relationship.

If I survive but become horribly disfigured and am too vain to return to work until all my sick days are used up, I have named Cheryl Waters as my backup.

If I die, I have named Lisa Patterson as my eternal backup.

If I come back as a ghost, I will contact you.

Thanks!

7. Guilt Trip Greg

Hello!

I am out of office this Saturday and Sunday because it’s the weekend, rendering this OOO extremely unnecessary. I put this message up solely to remind you how hard I work while simultaneously shaming you for working on the weekend. Even me, who will loudly and regularly remind you how SUPER slammed I am, despite literally never working, has time to take it “offline.” I suggest you do the same. The work will still be here on Monday, boy don’t I know it.

The post 7 Out-of-Office Emails and the People Who Send Them appeared first on The Cooper Review.

This is an excerpt from my new book, How to Be Successful Without Hurting Men’s Feelings — out October 30, 2018.

Pre-order How to Be Successful Without Hurting Men’s Feelings: Non-threatening Leadership Strategies for Women

The post Gaslighting for Beginners appeared first on The Cooper Review.

How to use business jargon to navigate awkward situations in your personal relationships.

Like everyone, I like to leave as much client drama, work stress, and general responsibility at the office as possible. But there’s something about business jargon I can’t let go of.

My partner and I have found a use for these ridiculous phrases while navigating our day-to-day post-work edginess. We use it as a polite code to communicate our anger and frustration. It’s truly helped us avoid many conflicts and stuff our issues so far down we’ll only remember them in ten years when he buys a Porsche or I fall in love with my ceramics teacher Amy.

Here is some corporate jargon that we’ve found useful for the home and how you can use it.

“LET’S TABLE THIS FOR ANOTHER TIME”

When you’re fighting right before family arrives, suggest that you table the conversation till after family leaves. By then, you’ll have plenty of other new topics to fight about.

“HOW ABOUT WE STREAMLINE THIS PROCESS”

When your partner isn’t moving as quickly as you’d like or doing something the way you do, suggest that you work together to streamline the process, but really just take over and do it your way until your partner slowly backs away from the dishwasher, Ikea furniture, gift wrap, remote control or thank you notes.

“THERE ARE LOTS OF MOVING PARTS HERE…”

When watching your partner struggle with something they will inevitably screw up, make sure that you point out how many moving parts there are so they feel secure in their frustration. This is also a nice segue into streamlining the process.

“LET’S CIRCLE BACK”

When you’re trying so hard to not lose your cool that your face starts to twitch, suggest circling back to finish the conversation at a later time (before one of you inevitably resurfaces that one petty fight from 2014 that all fights eventually come back to).

“YOU HAVE SO MANY CORE COMPETENCIES”

When your partner’s had a bad day at work, remind them of a small, useless ability they’re proud of (puzzles, making a taco out of their tongue, falling asleep in the first 5 minutes of a show). Call it agility or critical thinking and remind them how lucky you feel to have a partner with such unique skills.

“DRINKING FROM THE FIREHOSE”

When your partner’s stoic exterior cracks and you are forced to listen to their sad childhood stories – you may zone out, you may crack a smile thinking about that funny face they make when they taco tongue. Don’t beat yourself up; apologize and remind them that you’re just processing/trying to take it all in, drinking from the firehose that is their emotions.

“LET’S TOUCH BASE”

When you want your partner to leave you alone until a later time, ask for a touch-base later on in the day. But beware: you are most likely just postponing the same fight.

If none of these brings a new level of serenity to your relationship, try applying tactics you use with your work spouse. Or better yet, post about your relationship issues on Facebook or Twitter and let the public weigh in.

The post Business Jargon for the Home appeared first on The Cooper Review.

The cornerstone of any great thought leadership career is a personal brand website no one will ever visit. To make sure your personal brand website stands out while also being exactly like everyone else’s, make sure it has these 12 key components.

1. An awkwardly happy picture of yourself

The first thing users should see when they arrive at your personal brand website is a large smiling photo of you. This photo should make you look relatable, but also serious, and fun, but also like someone who commands thousands of dollars in speaking fees.

2. A catch phrase

To combat most people’s 3-second attention span, distill what you do down to a 10 word sentence. There’s a good chance this will be the only thing 98% of your audience ever reads about you.

Here are a few examples:

• Hi! I’m Jake. I love helping people remake their paradigms.
• Hey, I’m Allison. I tell stories that feed our collective subconscious.
• My name is Bob Johnson and I’m a changemaker.

3. A few vague titles

A quick run-down of all the things you do is another great way to combat people’s short attention span.

List things such as: evangelist, coach, creator, thinker, ideator, finder, winner.

4. Logos

Put a bunch of logos of all the reputable places you wish you were featured (don’t worry, no one will check).

5. Your story

This is the last thing anyone wants to read about you so don’t worry too much about it. Just spend about an hour doing a stream-of-consciousness dump of your life story encompassing the past 30-40 years. Make sure all the low points of your life are followed by high points where you triumphed and succeeded.

6. A toolkit, guidebook, blueprint, online course or webinar you’re selling

As a thought leader, your ultimate goal should be to teach your followers what you know. If you don’t have one, just say it’s launching soon, then ask people for their email so they’ll be the first to hear about it

7. Blog posts about random thoughts you’ve had

It’s important to post blog posts about the thoughts and feelings you have so you can let people into your thought process as a thought leader and also get some search traffic by packing them with keywords.

Here are some blog post ideas:

• “Some Thoughts on the Future of Technology”
• “How to Win Tomorrow, Today”
• “10 Secrets of Making Up Secrets”

8. Links to your 92 different social media accounts

Make sure you’re on every single social media account there is and list all of them here.

9. A passive aggressive popup trying to get people to sign up for your newsletter

Your newsletter is key to keeping in touch with your followers, and a passive aggressive popup that completely obscures your entire website is sure to make people want to sign up. Make your popup appear whenever your website visitor arrives at your page, leaves your page, moves their mouse or doesn’t move their mouse. Include a question like, “Would you like to keep in touch?” with buttons that say “Yes I would!” and “No I’m a loser.”

10. An drawer popup trying to get people to sign up for your newsletter

A drawer popup in the corner will attract visitors who’ve already tried closing your overlay popup 18 times.

11. A sidebar trying to get people to sign up for your newsletter

Just in case they miss the overlay.

12. A banner trying to get people to sign up for your newsletter

Just in case they miss the overlay, sidebar and drawer.

The post 12 Key Components of Your Personal Brand Website appeared first on The Cooper Review.

It’s that spooky time of year where kids and adults dress up in ghoulish and creative costumes in honor of Halloween. But instead of dressing up as a superhero, witch or the latest pop-culture phenomenon (David S. Pumpkins), try one of these 7 scariest Halloween costumes that are also 100% work-appropriate.

1. A Woman CEO

A woman with power? And an opinion? Terrifying. Pull off this costume with a pantsuit, heels and a wig, if needed.

2. Team Building Event Planner

If you want your coworkers to shriek in horror, dress up as someone planning a team building event or organizing a meeting icebreaker. All you need is a clipboard, a whistle, and a poorly thought-out scavenger hunt.

3. The Expert Who Knows Nothing

The coworker who always wants a “quick chat” so they can go on and on about nothing, is a great costume for any office. Wear a button-down shirt, comfy shoes and some festive socks. Make this costume complete with a Swell water bottle for all that endless talking you’ll be doing.

4. The Hypochondriac

The person in the office who’s always sick, or who always thinks they’re sick and loves talking about their many illnesses, is another great way to scare your coworkers. A sweater, a scarf, lemon tea and cough drops will make this costume convincing.

5. Anyone from HR

Let’s face it, anyone from HR is scary. Dress up as an overly nice HR manager who somehow always has a box ready to go in case there’s a last minute layoff.

6. A Designer Having a Meltdown

A designer who literally can’t take another format to design for is a great costume if you want your coworkers to completely avoid you.

7. Software Engineer Living at the Office

The software engineer who’s been living at the office and who’s reached complete zombie stage can be a nightmare to run into. With pajama pants, flip-flops and an energy drink, all you’ll need is some strong B.O. to make this costume complete.

The post 7 Scariest Halloween Costumes for the Office appeared first on The Cooper Review.

Job interviews can feel hopeless. No matter what you do, it all comes down to luck and timing. But what if that’s not actually true? Just kidding, it is. But there’s hope: here are 10 proven tricks to appear smart in a job interview and nail that job offer.

1. Talk about your commute

Discussing your morning experience with the local transit is a great way to appear smart. Share the short cuts or inside information you’ve gathered in your many years taking the subway. Bond with your interviewer over a shared frustration with your city’s crumbling infrastructure. They’ll be so engrossed complaining about the delays on the F Train or the Red Line or the traffic on the 405 with you, they’ll forget your interview was supposed to have started a half hour ago.

2. Step up your pace

On your walk from the lobby to the interview room, walk a little wider. A wide stride will get you to your destination faster and that slight change in pace subconsciously tells your interviewer that you can get the job done quickly.

3. Bring your own dongle

Nothing says over-preparedness like backup dongles.

4. Ask for clarification until your interviewer has answered the question for you

When asked a question, start each response with, “Before I answer that lets take a step back and talk about the fundamental question…” Ask your interviewer to clarify, to provide examples, or to rephrase the question. Once you’ve found an answer you can pawn off as your own, tell your interviewer you agree and would like to piggyback off of that response. Continue to follow up until your interviewer has effectively answered the question for you. Then share a personal anecdote about teamwork.

5. Say yes to that glass of water

Always accept a glass of water when your interviewer offers you one. Once they’ve left the room to get it, you can quickly pull out your phone and Google the answers to the questions you’re being asked. If you need additional time, knock over the glass of water so your interviewer has to take a second trip out of the room for paper towels.

6. Downplay your past by talking about the future

You can mask your lack of past success by speaking to your future impact. Explain that you are very excited about the hypothetical impact you could make if hired. Outline to your interviewer what you would accomplish if given the resources, which previously you have not been offered. Make it clear that the only thing that has ever kept you from truly making a difference in your career, is lack of funding, support, communication, shared values, and time. Reassure your interviewer that, at this company, things will be different.

7. Be a visual learner

By identifying yourself as a “visual learner” you’re not only letting your interviewer know you are an unconventional thinker, but you’re padding your response time. Asking them to sketch out the question buys you a few more minutes to come up with an answer. Remember, your interviewer wants you to be successful so they are more than happy to adapt their interview style to what works best for you. And, if they can’t clearly get their question across, they will feel like they’ve failed. Bonus.

8. Name drop productivity software

Find opportunities to ask your interviewer if their team uses Slack or Asana or Trello. If asked about a product you haven’t yet used, tell them your team demoed it but found it lacked the functionality needed to accomplish your aggressive quarterly goals.

9. Ask practical questions

When your interviewer asks if you have any last questions, don’t bother trying to ask them about the elusive qualities that make a successful candidate like most brown nosers. Instead, ask practical questions your interviewer will be able to answer. Ask if you get Columbus Day off, how many Keurig machines are in the office, and how the window seats are assigned. This will make you seem like you’re already part of the team.

10. Wing it

The biggest misconception about interviews is that you need to do your research. In reality, many interviewers are turned off by know-it-all’s and would prefer to hear your assumptions about what the company does and what the job entails. Even if you miss the mark, your insights are helping the company answer key questions about how they are perceived in the marketplace. This insight will make you appear invaluable.

The post 10 Tricks to Appear Smart in a Job Interview appeared first on The Cooper Review.

Every time I open LinkedIn, I’m bombarded by articles outlining the morning habits of successful people, or what I should do in the morning in order to have a productive day. This is all well and good, but what if I don’t want to have a productive day? What if, like the majority of people out there, I am aiming much lower, and simply want to live my life in a way that allows me to survive another day? Here’s how.

1. Drink in moderation the night before

The morning actually begins the night before, when you’re out at the pub by yourself, drinking to forget. Having less than ten drinks will allow you to be on your a-game the next morning, so try to abide by this limit.

2. Push the snooze button four times

It may seem counterintuitive, but hitting the snooze button more than four times could result in a bad start to your morning. You will probably have to rush, and it’s likely you’ll feel drowsy for the rest of the day because of some science studies that people have done. Just trust me. Also, your boss is probably already looking for reasons to fire you, so don’t make showing up an hour late another of these (but a half hour is fine).

3. Make a plan to think about wanting to exercise later

Most successful people will swear by an early morning sweat session, but after sleeping way past your alarm, it should be fine to just tell yourself you’ll exercise at some point during the day. Don’t be more specific and don’t make any firm plans: it’s the goddamn morning, for christ sakes, and you don’t have the time.

4. Get on social media

Most successful people say they check Twitter first thing. But some say they don’t look at social media after they’ve been awake for a while. It’s really too confusing for us low performers to have all these rules around social media, so just check social media, or something. I don’t know, I gotta get back to my Instagram.

5. Do the meditation?

Lots of successful people meditate first thing in the morning. Should you? Probably. Will you? I’m not a mind reader. Here’s an idea: get back into bed after following the aforementioned steps, lie real still, and try to find your centre. Oh shit – you fell asleep again and now you’re really late, but don’t you feel more relaxed?

6. Limit your doughnut intake to four

As you run frantically to the Uber you had to call (hey – you did end up exercising!!) you’ll want to grab some fuel to start your day. It might surprise you to know that studies have shown that consuming five doughnuts for breakfast is actually really unhealthy. The solution? Only consume four, or maybe even three if you’re on a diet. Wash it down with a venti frapuccino, because you need to get your blood sugar up somehow!

7. Take the heat off yourself by pointing out a colleague’s error

By now, you’re probably at work, and your boss might be pissed. Two hours late isn’t that bad, but your boss is being super irrational. The secret to getting away with this is to quickly change the subject to an even lower-performing colleague, and really lay into that person. Just lie if you have to: the key here is to be so distracting that your boss is consumed with rage that’s not directed at you.

8. Learn something new

Read a productivity article or two, or twenty. Take your time. The morning is over now and you’ve successfully gotten as little done as possible.

The post 8 Morning Habits of the Least Successful People appeared first on The Cooper Review.

Over the course of history, many-a-great person has said many-an-inspirational thing. Such things span millennia, marking or precipitating momentous, world-changing events. They carried a generation through war, heralded progress toward racial justice, ushered new steps toward gender equality, and so much more.

And now, you can take these timeless, era-defining inspirational quotes wildly out of context to sell your app or promote your business or whatever. Here are 6 examples to show you how.

#1

“It always seems impossible until it’s done.”

— Nelson Mandela

This is a quote attributed to South African human rights activist, presumably about his work ending racial apartheid. While there’s absolutely no concrete evidence that he actually said this, that shouldn’t stop you from using it to motivate your team to stay up late working on a feature that you’ll probably just replace next week anyway. Plaster your office walls with a custom-made poster of these hard-hitting words about racial injustice to remind your all white, all-male engineering team that they can accomplish whatever you set their minds to.

Illustration by Ian Wilson

#2

“Don’t follow the path. Go where there is no path and begin the trail. When you start a new trail equipped with courage, strength and conviction, the only thing that can stop you is you!”

— Ruby Bridges

In 1960, six-year-old Ruby Bridges sparked a school-wide boycott by becoming the first Black student at an all-white school in the Deep South. Use her struggles to your benefit by copy-pasting this quote onto the “company mission” slide of your next pitch to VCs to convince them that your candy-themed mobile gaming app is the new trail to greatness.

Illustration by Ian Wilson

#3

“Success always demands a greater effort.”

— Winston Churchill

In 1940, British Prime Minister Winston Churchill quotably stated the obvious to Robert Menzies, Prime Minister of Australia. Now, you can repurpose his words to push your sales team to meet their unrealistic quotas. Program this quotation to greet them while Slack is loading, and they’ll always feel the pressure to put in a greater effort into selling your HR software to mid-to-large sized tech companies.

Illustration by Ian Wilson

#4

“Failure is impossible.”

— Susan B. Anthony

At 86, the leader of the suffragette movement realized she’d never live to see women gain the right to vote, and told a group of young activists to keep on keepin’ on. You can conveniently misappropriate this message meant to motivate half the population to fight for their democratic rights and use it to remind Caitlyn from Marketing that if she doesn’t get the monthly newsletter out by Tuesday, she can kiss her job goodbye.

Illustration by Ian Wilson

#5

“If you can’t fly then run, if you can’t run then walk, if you can’t walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward.”

— Martin Luther King Jr.

When the face of the American Civil Rights Movement addressed students at Spelman college in 1960, he encouraged them to keep advancing in the fight for justice. But no one will ever know that when you take it out of context and slap it over an ocean sunset to post on your brand’s Instagram page. Use MLK’s fight for racial justice to your advantage and show your followers (and investors!) that even when business is slow, you’re always moving toward your IPO.

Illustration by Ian Wilson

#6

“Energy rightly applied and directed will accomplish anything.”

— Nellie Bly

This was the life motto of America’s first female investigative journalist, who overcame institutional sexism to become a pioneer in the field of journalism in the late 1800s. Now, you can use her mantra to sign off on emails and remind all recipients that you are rightly applying your energy writing product updates that even your mother won’t read.

Illustration by Ian Wilson

This is just the beginning of all the quotes the internet has to offer. And if you can’t find an inspirational quote to fit your business needs, just make something up and misattribute it to someone smart.

The post 6 Inspirational Quotes You Can Take Wildly Out of Context to Promote Your Business appeared first on The Cooper Review.

Congratulations! You found that one-hour block in the next two weeks when everyone’s calendar is open. You send the meeting invite only to have Ben decline.

“I’m actually out of the office that day,” he says. “Could you find another time?”

But Ben, you wonder, how will I find another time if your calendar bears no relation to your actual availability? Here are some appropriate ways to punish Ben and colleagues like him who don’t keep their calendar up to date.

1. Removal from the office food email list
Are there leftover bagels from the Accounting staff meeting? Yes, but Ben will never know.

2. Switch the regular and decaf coffee pots
Everyone else reaches for the orange pot this week while Ben yawns his way through his caffeine headaches.

3. Adjust Ben’s calendar from Eastern Standard to Yakutsk Time
He’ll arrive promptly to any meetings in central Russia!

4. Switch to past tense whenever discussing him, especially if he’s in earshot
“Oh yeah, Ben, he worked in Marketing didn’t he? Never really saw him in the office much though.”

5. Change the language for his keyboard

Switching to French is classic, but the Turkish keyboard is just similar enough to confuse him for days.

6. Move Ben’s desk photos to other areas of the office
His wife’s portrait now lives on the CEO’s desk and his snapshot of Sir-Barks-A-Lot is above the copier. It’ll be a great icebreaker at the holiday party!

7. Sign Ben up for every newsletter you can find
He’ll get updates on everything from the local bakery’s daily scone selection to the tour dates of a hard core punk band he’s never heard of.

8. Invite him to a conference call that’s just hold music
Ideally it will be Chumbawamba’s “Tubthumping” on loop.

9. Add new family photos to his desk
“What do you mean these aren’t your kids? You’ve been talking about Kimmy’s game-winning home run all month!”

10. Unscrew the light above his cubicle just a little
Ben will have to check the Facilities Team’s calendar to see when they’re available to stop the flickering.

11. Host remote control helicopter races around his cubicle
It just happens to be the area with the most open air. Management did say they wanted you to embrace your creativity!

12. Re-label his lunch in the office fridge
No, this isn’t Ben’s Low-fat Mango Greek yogurt. It’s Benita’s.

13. Hold his coffee mug hostage
Send ransom notes scrawled on printouts of Ben’s Outlook calendar.

14. Add spoilers for his favorite TV shows to your meeting invitations
Location: Conference Room also Tyrion Lannister dies by ice dragon

15. Start a rumor that his cubicle is haunted
Follow up by shivering every time you walk by and asking about the old woman who works on his computer during his lunch breaks. Bonus points if you leave messages from her on his voicemail.

16. Relegation to the worst seat in the conference room
You know the one, where you can’t pull your chair in all the way and have to crane your neck to see the presentation slides. Make sure it’s the only open seat when Ben walks in.

17. Respond to all his emails with “New phone, who dis?”
At a certain point he’ll have to respect your commitment to the bit.

18. Everyone meets without him
No matter what his ego says, Ben isn’t that important.

The post 18 Appropriate Punishments for People Who Don’t Keep Their Calendars Up to Date appeared first on The Cooper Review.

Let’s face it: even if you’ve seen Bladerunner 2049 a few times you probably don’t truly understand the future of AI. But don’t let a lack of knowledge stop you from being seen as an AI industry expert. Here are 10 ways to be viewed as someone at the forefront of the AI revolution.

1. Never say “Artificial Intelligence,” always say “AI”

If someone says “artificial intelligence,” correct them by saying, “don’t you mean, AI?” You’ll immediately appear more well-read on the subject than any of your colleagues.

2. Offer to develop your company’s AI offering

When this honor is bestowed on you, simply take your company’s Digital or Cloud offering and Find All and Replace “Digital/Cloud” with “AI” and…hey presto – you’re an innovation leader. This will earn precious kudos in time for the all important year end performance review.

3. Casually throw around complicated concepts

When speaking to co-workers, casually throw around terms like: algorithm, up-skilling, and machine learning to show you are both leading and following your company’s direction – whatever the hell that means.

4. Suggest using the Voight-Kampff empathy test in your company’s hiring process

Suggest HR start including the Voigt-Kampff empathy test in your company’s hiring process to help root out unfeeling, cold replicants from the new human hires. But don’t be surprised if your HR rep fails the test themselves.

5. Ask powerful questions

Ask powerful questions in meetings such as: “Could a bot do this?” or “Can we gamify this?”. These questions show that AI is always top-of-mind for you and soon people will be referring to you as “our resident AI guru.” However, never ask out loud “What exactly is a bot?” or “What’s our communication strategy for the machines?” or “Just because we can do this, does it mean we should do this?” These questions make you seem like you don’t care enough about dominating the future.

6. Add key AI terms to your business title

Use your new expertise in AI to add oomph to your job title for tech conferences. For example, if you’re a Senior Analyst, change that to Senior Robotics Analyst. Or, if you’re a Business Consultant, change that to AI Business Consultant. Or if you’re a Sales Assistant change that to Machine Learning Sales Assistant. Don’t worry, people will be too scared to ask you what it means.

7. Calculate which team members could be replaced by Voice Assistant Device

Help drive efficiencies and add to that all important bottom line by calculating which team members could be replaced by a Voice Assistant device. Use this simple formula to help you quantify:

[Employee salary + Pension + medical]- Cost of device x No. of original thoughts employee has generated at work per annum / No. of working hours spent on non-work related social media.

Share your findings with the team in a brief memo. Then sit back and let the “Wow! Insightful!” replies pour in.

8. Begin regularly wearing a VR headset

Join all video conference calls wearing a VR headset. You can quickly make your own VR headset by covering a View Master in white cardboard. Stand back and bask in the glory as co-workers marvel at your bleeding edge technology.

9. Become irreplaceable

The secret fear everyone has is that as robots are increasingly used to automate repetitive tasks there will be nothing left for us humans to do. However, the only part of our working day that robots can’t replace is chatting about AI at the water cooler and visiting the bathroom. The more you do this, the less replaceable you become. And of course, the more time you spend at the water cooler, the more you’ll need to visit the bathroom, thus filling your working day even more.

10. When in doubt, do the robot

Not to be confused with “doing a robot” which is an entirely different activity and should not be attempted in the workplace.

The post How to Be Seen as an Expert in Artificial Intelligence appeared first on The Cooper Review.

Effective team building events are more than just forced ice breakers or embarrassing videos everyone wishes didn’t get shared with the entire company. They must also include exercises and activities that will unify your team in the days, weeks and months ahead of their inevitable resignation. Here are the 10 most deeply meaningful team building exercises.*

*These exercises have no proven results or benefits.

1. Pigeon Yoga

Have you heard of goat yoga? Pigeon yoga is the new team-building exercise trend.

How to do it: Find an outdoor grassy area. Make everyone do Downward Dog while you toss pigeon-attracting breadcrumbs. Exercise. Outdoors. Wildlife. Win. Win. Win.

Outcome: This will prepare the team for fighting for scraps when it comes to bonus time.

2. Musical Ergonomic Office Chairs

Everyone loved musical chairs as a child! Keep the nostalgia going with an ergonomically approved version.

How to do it: Use OSHA-approved chairs that roll. Everyone has to guess where the chairs are going next and get their butts in one before the music stops.

Outcome: This is a great way to get the team to practice being at their desk the second the boss walks in.

3. Office Escape Game

Who needs a fancy Escape Room when you’ve got a cube farm maze?

How to do it: Barricade the doors then set a countdown clock. Whoever gets out first wins. Whoever is last has to sleep in the office overnight. (See item 8: The Office Sleepover)

Outcome: The every-man-for-himself nature of this exercise will make your team even more fiercely competitive which will make it easier to fire people who can’t withstand the pressure.

4. Twister

Twister is another opportunity to play on nostalgia.

How to do it: Get out the Twister board. Add in ice-breaker questions for each turn. Who doesn’t love talking about their dog’s death with one hand on yellow and one foot on green? Note: Have HR prepare release forms in case someone’s hand accidentally ends up on someone’s butt.

Outcome: This will help weed out those folks who are prone to committing sexual harassment.

5. Playing Telephone

How to do it: This simple team building exercise has office messages whispered around a circle, sometimes through a tin can. Relay the final message to the intended recipient and watch hijinks ensue.

Outcome: This exercise will make the team realize how vital good communication is, before they immediately go back to ignoring each other.

6: Chopped: Break Room Refrigerator Edition

Even Alton Brown hasn’t tried to make an entrée with cold fried chicken and a PB&J.

How to do it: Take everything out of the office refrigerator. Get into teams and get to cooking. The best dish is the winner. (Office policy requiring an EpiPen at every copier station should be instituted prior to any Chopped competitions.)

Outcome: After this exercise, you will have successfully cleaned out the office refrigerator.

7. Opaque Leggings Pageant

What office team building exercise isn’t complete without a beauty pageant? New HR rules on dress code help you kill two birds with one pageant.

How to do it: Line up ladies in leggings and take an office vote. Too sheer and they get a note in their file. Opaque enough and they are ready for Pigeon Yoga (Item #1). Beautify the Office campaigns can be well served by Leggings Pageants.

Outcome: Winners have their spirits raised and losers have something to work towards on their Beauty Breaks.

8. The Office Sleepover

Renting an offsite venue for an offsite can get pricey but here’s a tip: no one is using your offices overnight and you can still call it an offsite.

How to do it: Ask everyone to bring their pajamas and stay the night. Add in things like a fire pit in accounting to make a night of team-building fun. When things get slow, suggest maybe working on that presentation or finishing that overdue project.

Outcome: The team gets to know each other’s fun nighttime habits as well as hopefully get that overdue project done.

9. Back-to-Back Drawing

How to do it: Seat them all back to back with sketchpads. Have them draw their partner and then post the results as your new office artwork. Saving money while making art is good for business! Combining Back-to Back Drawing with the equally fun keyboarding contest “I Can Type and Speak in All Caps” helps employees communicate better through art AND typing. Striving for arts integration is always a priority!

Outcome: This team building exercise will bring out your employees’ artistic sides.

10. Multi-Level Marketing Monday

Does everyone on your team try to sell home business items or school wrapping paper? Have a Multi Level Marketing Monday to build the team from within.

How to do it: Set up a craft fair and give employees their own tables to sell their wares. Bonus idea: Make things interesting by requiring sales be made in an actual human pyramid. (All employees must sign the “Can’t Make More Money Selling Candles, Children’s Books or Wrapping Paper” clause before participating.)

Outcome: Employees get that entrepreneurial bug out of their system, so they can go back to getting that overdue project done.

The post Here are the 10 Most Deeply Meaningful Team Building Exercises appeared first on The Cooper Review.

Want to stand out on the world’s most annoying social network? Here are 7 tips to outshine everyone on LinkedIn.

1. Write your summary in the third person

Only commoners write their own LinkedIn summaries. Show the world how important you are by writing your summary in the third person so people think you’re a VIP. Your profile viewers will be convinced that someone spent time writing your biography and will send your LinkedIn cred skyrocketing.

2. Turn your common characteristics into catchy buzzword jargon

You’re not like other candidates. You’ve got a growth-mindset and a results-driven approach. Show everyone you’re a purple unicorn by turning your common characteristics into catchy buzzwords and phrases. Here are a few examples:

• Do you occasionally brainstorm with co-workers? Then you’re a “multifaceted thought-partner”
• Did you offer a suggestion during your last department meeting? Then you’re a “forward thinking industry disruptor”

3. Share a useless inspirational quote

Pretend to care about how other people are doing on their career journey by sharing an inspirational leadership quote. Take a well known quote and change it slightly so it sounds like it’s original. Here are a few examples:

• We are all a work in progress. Challenge yourself each and every day.
• Who are you? What are your dreams? What’s holding you back? Go for it.
• Some people say it’s another Monday. I say it’s another chance to soar to your potential.

4. Master the humble-brag

Consistently post about how many connections you have, but do it humbly, of course. Don’t worry if it isn’t true, nobody will be able to verify. People will automatically assume you are a LinkedIn celebrity and will clamor to connect with you. Use one of these templates.

• “So blessed to be 1 connection away from 15K connections.”
• “It is ridiculous that LinkedIn won’t allow me to go over 40K connections.”
• “Looking for an assistant to help me manage my 39K connections.”

5. Tell people how they’re using LinkedIn wrong

Nothing makes you look more like a LinkedIn expert than chiding people for their incorrect LinkedIn behavior. Here are a few examples:

• “LinkedIn is NOT a dating site. I’m going through all my 20K connections and blocking a few.”
• “LinkedIn is NOT Facebook. Please stop posting things that belong on Facebook.”
• “LinkedIn is NOT email. Keep the cooking recipes to yourself.”

6. Celebrity cameo

So, you went to a convention and managed to snag a photo with Zuckerberg, eh? Be sure to use it as your profile photo. People will think you are an important industry insider with top notch connections. Find ways to boast about how you and Zuckerberg regularly bounce ideas off one another; it’s not like anyone will reach out to him to confirm if it’s true.

7. Let everyone know that you’re too important to use LinkedIn

The simplest way to outshine everyone else on LinkedIn is to use it solely to inform people that you are not using it. Huh? It’s easy. Create a profile, spend time populating it with your photo and experience BUT in your summary section write something like

“I’M NEVER ON HERE. EMAIL ME IF YOU WANT TO REACH ME AT me@imbetterthanyou.com”

This step alone will boost your image while making everyone else feel trivial and small. They’ll never know that you actually spend most of your day on the site sending blind connection requests.

The post How to Outshine Everyone on LinkedIn appeared first on The Cooper Review.

This week I was asked to work for free. I saw it coming a mile away, a glowing orb of unmitigated bullshit headed straight my way. Color me unsurprised. So I rolled my eyes as far back in my head as they would go and did what I must. Because I know what to say when asked to work for free.

I typed “No, thanks!” into Slack. Hit enter. Smiled slightly.

While you have infinite linguistic options in this situation, I believe “No, thanks!” is the clear winner.

Silence works if you’re from Seattle. A long, detailed explanation of your bills, your overhead, the things that you require in order to exist on the planet as an adult human woman might also suffice, if you’re in an educational mood.

If you’re feeling nervous it’s tempting to say something along the lines of, “Gosh, well, let me think about that, I mean it’s a great opportunity and I really want to work with you…” (and on and on forever until you’re dead).

But I think that’s all a waste of energy. “No, thanks!” works great. Let’s break down why, piece by ever-loving piece.

No

You’ve got to lead with No. There’s not another way to begin this response that ensures the Offending Party will abandon the HMS Free Work.

You’re not a dispenser of creative materials. Words don’t flow out of you like a font. Are you a gushing pool of content gold, wasted until this genius thought to bring a bucket? Hell no.

So be a damn journalist. Don’t bury the lede.

Practice saying it. No. Nope. No. Naw. Hell no.

Pro Tip: Don’t ever say “I don’t have the time.” That implies that when you do have the time, you would want to waste it on this bullshit.

,

Commas are important. Let the Offending Party breathe into their own stupidity for just a moment. They might not even realize what’s happening here, it’s so brief, so fleeting. But somewhere in the back of their unrefined reptile mind some previously unused structure might light up.

Don’t count on it. But don’t forget the comma.

thanks

Keep it casual. “Thank you” is too much for this situation. There’s no need to make things awkward and formal just because the Offending Party completely disrespected your livelihood.

So now we have “No, thanks”

No, thanks I don’t want broccoli.
No, thanks I don’t want to go to your improv show.
No, thanks I don’t want to have my tooth pulled today.
No, thanks I don’t want to see Nickelback live.
No, thanks

Remember: the Offending Party will never realize the irony of your extending thanks for what is not a generous offer. For an appreciation of irony, consult your literary friends.

!

It’s important to keep things light. The Offending Party has no idea how much misfortune you wish them, there’s no need to frighten anyone.

Here you have options. Instead of the exclamation mark you could follow with a smiley-face emoji, if that’s in your messaging/emailing repertoire.

Using both is not advisable. Just check this out: No thanks!

I mean, come on, it’s clear you’re fucking with them.

On second thought, the Offending Party definitely won’t get it. Do what makes you feel good.

Finally, link them to your price list.

This is a Professional Thing to Do. The Offending Party deserves to have all pertinent information at their disposal to make a business decision regarding your services.

This is not what they will do.

The Offending Party will block you on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, and every platform imaginable. And you will breathe in the sweet air, uncontaminated by their trifling, cheap bastardness.

The post Here’s What to Say When Asked to Work for Free appeared first on The Cooper Review.

7:30 am – Pre-Event Networking

Welcome to Team Building Day! Meet us in the lobby of the most convenient hotel we could afford for an excruciating half-hour of mingling with people you have nothing in common with besides that you work with them 8 hours a day. Instant Coffee will be available at a discounted employee rate.

8:00 am – CEO Welcome

Listen to a high-energy five-minute welcome speech from your casually dressed CEO, Chad! Chad will outline with impeccable euphemisms why THIS meeting is mission critical, for the business going forward, and how THIS event is about each of YOU as leaders who manage and lead and thought-lead and how all of our lives depend on it.

8:05:01 am – CEO Unexpectedly Leaves

The CEO will leave the event immediately due to an unforeseen conflict (kiteboarding lessons).

8:05:02 am – Housekeeping Matters

Your Team Building Meeting planner, who spent the last 6 months organizing this event that no one even wanted to have (except the CEO, who just left) will explain with exasperation where the toilets are, they’re here somewhere, just go look, how hard can it be to find them. If there is a fire run to the nearest doorway, don’t get in the elevator, use the stairs, whatever, there’s not going to be a fire. Turn your phone off. Or, just put it on silent because you’re going to want to use your phone a lot over the next few hours – it’s not our fault this day will be so painfully boring.

8:15 am – Facilitator Check In

Your Team Building Meeting Facilitator will talk, loudly. “HOW ARE YOU DOING, GUYS!” “ARE YOU READY TO RUMBLE?” Don’t blame her though, if this doesn’t go well she might be out of a job.

8:30 am – A PowerPoint Presentation

There will be slides with words on them. You will not read the words. Your eyes will glaze over.

9:30 am – A Very, Very Long PowerPoint Presentation

Your eyes will continue to glaze over. Your coworker will tap you on the shoulder when she starts to see you nodding off.

10:30 am – Another Extremely Long PowerPoint Presentation

That will be so full of corporate euphemisms that you will be guaranteed to feel both comatose and anxiously out-of-touch at the same time. Thankfully by now you will have figured out how to prop your head up with your arm on the chair in a way that makes it look like you’re still listening.

11:30 am – Coffee Break

We are over time so this will be cancelled.

11:31 am – Brainstorming Session

We now invite you to get into groups of 4 with people you now realize you absolutely cannot stand, and sit in silence while they argue about ideas no one will every build.

12:31 pm – Lunch

Due to the PowerPoint Presentations, Brainstorming Session and the Coffee Break going long, lunch will be shortened to four minutes. Grab an egg sandwich (they are only two dollars each). Muffins are for Senior Managers only.

12:35 pm – Group Flip Chart Session

Lift your weary ass up off the seat and with a group of your similarly lethargic and slack-mouthed colleagues who did this exact same thing last year, answer the question: “What is Leadership?” by yelling out synonyms for the word Leadership.

1:30 pm – Another Group Flip Chat Session

Define Leadership but without using the word Management, or synonyms of the word Management, as synonyms for the word Leadership. Then define Management similarly.

2:00 pm – Networking Break-out Session

In which the main objective will be to caffeinate heavily so you don’t fall asleep in….

2:30 pm – Another PowerPoint Presentation

Very, very long. Extremely long and arduous. And this time with short, generic, and cheesy videos that are inserted actually in the Power Point slides by a millennial who knows what they are doing with technology.

3:30 pm – Group Presentations

Slink back in embarrassment as your group leader presents his ideas, instead of the ones the group came up with. But make yourself feel better by reminding yourself that all the ideas are bad.

5:30 pm – Final PowerPoint Presentation

In which the individual presenter, aware that he/she is all that stands between you and a few drinks, will spend most of their allotted time describing how much better this presentation would have been if it had been allotted an earlier time slot than the death-slot.

6.30pm – Just One More Thing!

Facilitator Farewell. Organizational Thank yous. Corporate song. National Anthem. Group walk while holding hands, and a team scavenger hunt!

8.00pm – “Free” Drinks

You finally made it! Enjoy a drink with your fellow warriors. Drinks will be partially subsidized, until 8.10pm, then unsubsidized. Do not even think about expensing them, we need to save our budget for team building.

The post Honest Agenda for Your Next Team Building Meeting appeared first on The Cooper Review.