Every time I open LinkedIn, I’m bombarded by articles outlining the morning habits of successful people, or what I should do in the morning in order to have a productive day. This is all well and good, but what if I don’t want to have a productive day? What if, like the majority of people out there, I am aiming much lower, and simply want to live my life in a way that allows me to survive another day? Here’s how.

1. Drink in moderation the night before

The morning actually begins the night before, when you’re out at the pub by yourself, drinking to forget. Having less than ten drinks will allow you to be on your a-game the next morning, so try to abide by this limit.

2. Push the snooze button four times

It may seem counterintuitive, but hitting the snooze button more than four times could result in a bad start to your morning. You will probably have to rush, and it’s likely you’ll feel drowsy for the rest of the day because of some science studies that people have done. Just trust me. Also, your boss is probably already looking for reasons to fire you, so don’t make showing up an hour late another of these (but a half hour is fine).

3. Make a plan to think about wanting to exercise later

Most successful people will swear by an early morning sweat session, but after sleeping way past your alarm, it should be fine to just tell yourself you’ll exercise at some point during the day. Don’t be more specific and don’t make any firm plans: it’s the goddamn morning, for christ sakes, and you don’t have the time.

4. Get on social media

Most successful people say they check Twitter first thing. But some say they don’t look at social media after they’ve been awake for a while. It’s really too confusing for us low performers to have all these rules around social media, so just check social media, or something. I don’t know, I gotta get back to my Instagram.

5. Do the meditation?

Lots of successful people meditate first thing in the morning. Should you? Probably. Will you? I’m not a mind reader. Here’s an idea: get back into bed after following the aforementioned steps, lie real still, and try to find your centre. Oh shit – you fell asleep again and now you’re really late, but don’t you feel more relaxed?

6. Limit your doughnut intake to four

As you run frantically to the Uber you had to call (hey – you did end up exercising!!) you’ll want to grab some fuel to start your day. It might surprise you to know that studies have shown that consuming five doughnuts for breakfast is actually really unhealthy. The solution? Only consume four, or maybe even three if you’re on a diet. Wash it down with a venti frapuccino, because you need to get your blood sugar up somehow!

7. Take the heat off yourself by pointing out a colleague’s error

By now, you’re probably at work, and your boss might be pissed. Two hours late isn’t that bad, but your boss is being super irrational. The secret to getting away with this is to quickly change the subject to an even lower-performing colleague, and really lay into that person. Just lie if you have to: the key here is to be so distracting that your boss is consumed with rage that’s not directed at you.

8. Learn something new

Read a productivity article or two, or twenty. Take your time. The morning is over now and you’ve successfully gotten as little done as possible.

The post 8 Morning Habits of the Least Successful People appeared first on The Cooper Review.

Millennials are a humanoid form presently perplexing the professional world. Never before has such an incomprehensible and downright mysterious breed had the propensity to darken hiring mangers’ moods the world over.

Oddly, literally no one is writing about Millennials. So in the absence of any articles anywhere discussing these creatures and their deeply idiosyncratic traits, here are some basic tips on how to work with the Millennial. Good luck and Godspeed.

To hire the Millennial, travel to their natural habitat

Millennials cannot be found on the street or hanging out with their friends, nor can you find them pounding the pavement to deliver their resumes to you… So how do you hire them? You need to go to where they are: you can find them in the Snapchat, the Tinder, or the Instagram, where many of them will comfortably Twitter away entire days.

Favorite a Millennial’s tweet on how Bodak Yellow is a banger, and you have a real chance of hiring them. Do not try to understand what any of this means. In short, the Millennial will prefer to work for people who share their values and interests, so do your research.

To retain the Millennial, pay them with “experiences”

Studies show that the Millennial species wants to be involved in high impact work and make a difference, and that experiences are way more important than things. So ask a Millennial to do the hardest, most stressful work then give them a yearly subscription to a rock climbing gym. They will brag about it to their friends as if you’ve given them actual gold.

To make the Millennial think you’re cool, use trial and error

No one really knows how the Millennial mind works, and no one has thought to ask. Your best bet here is to try a bunch of stuff and then double down on what you see working. Here are some phrases to get you started:

• On fleek, as in: “Did you see Beyonce’s new Insta last night? Her Givenchy dress was on fleek!”

For that matter, praise Beyonce all day. Don’t hold back either: suggest she should be the world’s president or queen. You’ll get unanimous agreement, no matter how unfounded your statements are. Rihanna can work here too, but avoid Drake.

Avoid any attempt at humor. Not enough studies have been done to understand how humor operates in the Millennial culture, and chances are if you don’t say it with a meme, it won’t land. Don’t take that chance.

Preface all your sentence fragments with the utterance “hashtag.” As in, “hashtag drama,” or “hashtag STFU.” Do not try to understand. Hashtag it’s complicated.

To win their loyalty, offer the Millennial avocado toast, pumpkin spice lattes, and effusive, undeserved praise

In the Millennial culture, these are sacred gifts that will endear you to them eternally. Also a Millennial will need constant positive feedback on their work (in Millennial language, this is called simply “feedback).

To get along with them, never joke about “microaggressions”

Keep in mind that millennials grew up in a world where it was implied to them that everyone was equally deserving of respect. In the Millennial religion, the “microaggression” is the ultimate transgression of this laughable yet pervasive dogma. Avoid talking about it when you can, and when a Millennial brings it up, simply nod gravely and say it’s a serious issue. Do not take any steps to understand, just know that this is the way of the world.

To get rid of them, ask them to “reverse mentor” you

Reverse mentoring is exactly like regular mentoring, except that you add the “reverse” to remind the Millennials of their place. See, in olden times it was the more experienced people who mentored the young, and even though no one wants to hear your irrelevant tips for how to operate in a world you no longer understand, calling it “reverse mentoring” will allow you to keep some semblance of dignity.

Appeasing these Millennial creatures is a necessary struggle, for they hold the keys to unravelling the Great Mystery of Social Media Marketing and pretty much all other enigmas of the Modern World.

The post The Definitive Guide to Working With the Millennial Species appeared first on The Cooper Review.

If it hasn’t already happened to you, trust me: it will. You’ll be pushing paper and thumbing through your binders of women when all of a sudden, your boss will come over and say the words no seasoned office employee ever wants to hear: “We’re putting you on the dev project, Adelgunde.” (What a lovely name you have, Adel. Same as my lovely German grandma! Anyhoo…) As a non-technical person, what do you do? Besides have a panic attack?

Here’s the thing. You’re going to hear some things you don’t understand. This is to be expected. But the moment you show weakness is the moment those snarky nerds will torment you with technology. This is not inevitable: follow these tips and you’ll be HTML5-ing with the best of them in no time!

Suggest frequently that the team “put it in the cloud.”

The cloud is a magical place with unlimited storage space that saves money. That’s all you need to know about that. No one knows where it is, and no one ever asks, so just talk about it as if you were talking about Canada or some other random place.

Loudly insist on agile teams

Since agile methodology doesn’t allow for useless people on teams, you probably won’t have to actually participate. Just assume that agile means doing things quickly and recklessly, and remind everyone to be agile every time the team falls behind or disagrees with you.

Ask, “Could we be using microservices for this?”

This is risky, because the team might ask some hard follow up questions, like “what are you talking about?” or “how did you get into the building?” Simply respond with “kafka.” If they call security, try to grab some pizza as they remove you.

Whenever someone asks you a hard question, refocus the conversation to the data

Remind the team often that data is our most important asset, and suggest hadoop for processing large data sets if you’re feeling brave. Hadoop is a silly word that’s fun to say, so everyone will like that you said it, even if what you’re doing has nothing to do with large data sets. Hadoop! Teehee!

Bring up AI or machine learning, but not in a specific way that shows you don’t know the difference between the two

I can’t help you since I’m in the same boat.

Just suggest a bot

The conversation will get completely sidetracked, and soon you’ll be passionately debating whether the bot will be named Wilfred or Ava. Congratulations: you’ve earned their trust.

If they mention refactoring the code, run

Yeah, you’re screwed. Maybe you shouldn’t have asked them to incorporate kafka, hadoop, and AI into the project halfway through. Just go to your manager and tell her that the project failed. Inform her that failing fast is actually a central tenet of agile methodology, and that you deserve an award. Convince her to send you to a month-long agile training program so you can fail even faster next time.

It’s a scary place out there in the cloud with all those bots walking around, but with these helpful tips, no one will doubt your (artificial) intelligence. Hadoop!!

The post How to Contribute to a Technology Project as a Non-technical Person appeared first on The Cooper Review.

As an introvert, you may think it’s impossible for you to rise to the top of the corporate ladder above the shoutiest of shouters. You may be right. Should you even participate in a corporate culture that ignores at least 50% of its workers? I dunno. Could you try to work to change things? Maybe, but that takes so much energy and saying words out loud is terrible. In light of these painful truths, here’s how to just barely stay afloat as an introvert in the corporate world.

When extroverts are loudly debating stuff in meetings, resist the urge to weep quietly in the corner

Yes, they’re loud, and yes, contributing to a combative and chaotic meeting is the last thing you feel like doing. And that’s OK: it’s perfectly normal for introverted freaks to have these boundaries. Just don’t take it too far by weeping in the corner: this could damage your career in unforeseen ways.

Network in your own, introverted style

Every introvert dreads networking, and that’s fine. But you’ll need to find a style of networking that you’re comfortable with in order to get ahead in your career, or at least keep the job you have. You don’t need to go to big events and talk to a bunch of people to achieve this: try staring intensely at people you see around the office, or writing a long, thoughtful email to Susan Cain, celebrated introvert and author of Quiet. You may never meet her face to face, but she will always remember you as the special soul who rambled on about your beautiful cat for 6700 words. And at least she’ll never get close enough to experience your haunting stare!

Over-prepare for meetings

Everyone should really be doing this, but you just know that those dumb extroverts have been out all night talking loudly with the CEO of your company. That’s ok, because as an introvert you, too, have a secret — albeit extremely boring — weapon: preparedness. The night before an important meeting, write a detailed script of things you’d like to say during the meeting. If the conversation goes a different way than you anticipated, now is the time to weep quietly in the corner.

Carve out a quiet workspace for yourself

With the rise of the open concept office, it can be hard to find a peaceful place to get some work done. Tactfully block out the noise and the sight of your wildly gesticulating, narcissistic colleagues by covering yourself with a pretty heavy blanket and just working under there. If you’re really serious about checking some tasks off your to-do list, slap a “do not disturb” sign on that blanket. You got this.

Attach a lighthearted disclaimer to each meeting invite you send out

Keep it simple, but specific:

Though I am sending you this meeting invite, I’d actually much rather be working under my blanket or weeping quietly in the corner. Hope you understand if I stare at you intensely or type a long email to Susan Cain, celebrated introvert and author of Quiet, for the duration of the meeting. I am an introvert, just barely holding on here, and that’s just how we introverts are.

Be yourself!

Stay true to yourself. Though this world was built for extroverts, and you are most certainly not welcome, if you just be your quiet self, you may be tolerated long enough to earn a solid pension for yourself. Diversity of thought FTW!

The post How to Barely Hang On as an Introvert in the Corporate World appeared first on The Cooper Review.